| The other night i had a very vivid dream about gardening and talking to someone on how to do it.
Last night I had a dream in black and white about a kid who was going through post traumatic stress disorder.
He would go back and forth in two worlds where one he was your average kid living in a nice neighborhood and the next moment he was on a battle field. And every time he was on the battle field he would end up with a gun to his head and being questioned and cornered by the enemy or just get shot. This was always a very intense scene before his life ended, which it always did.
And even though he died, and most of the time felt pain except for the last scene, and it was always scary.
Everything always went blank and quiet after the pain, he would end up in the therapist office every time after death.
In the office he would come through and be talking about something completely unrelated.
His girlfriend was too stupid to understand PTSD is. He didn't seem to mind.
I think it took four deaths for me to get diagnosis this as my mind spitting back its own interpenetration of "Many lives, Many masters."
I feel like that could make a great movie.
My second dream tonight involved me planning out a very long bike ride. For 3 nights I went to sleep with the intention to leave.
The first night i kissed my mother goodbye but when I woke up and it was suppose to rain.
The second night I was concerned I wouldn't have a way to travel back if I got tired. i talked to Dara who said I definitely would be stuck on my own if I gave up, so I got nervous and held the trip off for Sunday. I kissed my mother goodbye before I decided this.
Sunday came and my mom talked to me like i never had the silly trip planned to begin with. So I shrugged it off and didn't go.
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| me: "Do you know what Skinny love means?"
"Nope."
me: "It means there is love between two people but it goes unspoken."
"You mean what goes on between us."
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| "I know you miss him,
Don't let your standards fall down with your hair.."
No excuses to still be feeling this separation anxiety,
Life is too short.
codependent, overly sensitive character defect. Leads to attempt at controlling the world.
I can't control anything, only how I react.
Catholics say it's all in Gods will.
Grandma turned to me and said, "Well isn't that nice? We can blame everything on god so we don't have to take responsibility."
I knew there was a reason I love grandma.
I Love My Life. Just needed to add that tidbit.
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| I hate how #alone I feel without him.
Not that I don't have some of the most amazing friends. And it's not that I need him for company.
What we had was something so different, so mature. The relationship was so comfortable, motivating and amazing.
That is all.
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| I had to be up at 5am.
Anthony calls at 10 p.m. to break up with me.
fuck
Needless to say we talked to 12:30ish and I feel like shit.
him: "I've lost interest, I love you but there is no future. Just having good sex and getting along in conversation won't cut it.
Consider this an opportunity to find someone good for you. I'm sorry."
fuck
I can't wait to wake up and not give a fuck about this.
I know you miss him,
Don't let your standards fall down with your hair
"Wednesday, January 25, 2012
| So much easier to be alone."
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Meet: November 12, 2011
Started dating: November 19, 2011
I loves you: February 24, 2012
Break up official: March 8, 2012
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